We will only just remember how it feels

Well I have to admit that I'm missing LA right now. More than I knew I would. I left AG to go there on Sunday and just got home about 40 minutes ago...I had a rather cramped and crammed sleep on the way home and was sprawled out across the front of Dana's truck, my head covered with clothing when I woke up to the sound of a woman police officer  in the window next to me who's voice reminded me of a pickaxe...ahh, we must be back on the Central Coast. Dana got pulled over for expired registration. Welcome home!

John & Rilynne weren't home when I got here and that sent me tipping over the edge a bit, because I've been wanting to see my Flutter for 3 days now, which is the longest we've ever been apart AND its her 8 month birthday today. So I'll admit, I lost it a bit and I think everything that's happened over the last 4 days just came crashing down on me. I swear I dont even feel like I'm the same person anymore and sitting her at our home computer just feels foreign. I realized that no, I'm actually not the same person anymore and its because half of my heart is back with my precious niece, hundreds of miles away. For those of you who have ever experienced heartache (as I'm sure most of you have), you know that its not just an expression, you can actually feel it in your chest and throughout your whole body. Sort of like right before you get the flu and your body/bones just start aching, only there's no medicine to make heartache go away, it just is.

My now almost 3 day old niece went in for her first open heart surgery today at around 8:00am. Mom, Dana, Maddy and I woke up around 6:00am at "our," Hollywood apartment and made it to the hospital by 7:15 to get some time in with her before they took her away. Brady was there holding and cuddling her and if you read my post from last night you obviously know Lissa was not. We looked down at Ella's perfect little body, not a flaw on it, and just tried to embed it our memories, because we knew that just an hour from then, it would never look like that again. The tiny little patches where they shaved parts of her hair for surgery were just a constant reminder to me of what was around the corner. She was so peaceful in her daddy's arms, I seriously think they both could have stayed there forever. I know I could have stared at her forever.

Ella's night nurses, who are amazing, crafted her a beautiful sign with her name on it, all in her colors and themes of what her nursery will be. (pink/black..demask, Paris themed) and hung it over the warmer bed where she sleeps. Things like this have been such a comfort to us because we know this hospital is the best of the best and these people work there because they love it, so our sweetheart is in great hands.

Leaving was not easy, I'll tell you that. One of the surgeons and the anesthesiologist came in to take her away and I just wanted to get face to face with them and tell them how special this baby is and that they needed to perform like they never had before. They were very sympathetic, kind and confident that Ella was going to be just fine. My mom made sure to ask the anesthesiologist if he had a good nights sleep the night before...he did. :) Mom, Brady, Maddy and I all held hands and said a prayer around Ella in her bed and gave her our goodbye kisses. We told her that her mommy was right there in her heart, though she couldn't be with her right then and that she loved her more than anything in this universe.

So away our baby went, down the hall and we were left with each and our fears of the unknown. They said with surgery prep, the surgery itself and the recovery period she would be gone for about 5 hours, so we headed back over to Lissa's hospital next door to check on her. It was just after 8 and visiting hrs weren't until 10am, so one by one we all snuck up the elevator when the guard was busy signing people in...this hospital is so oblivious. :) I seriously think I could put on a pair of scrubs and say I'm a new nurse there and nobody would question in or care. We got to Lissa's room and she was having a pretty hard time. All you moms out there can imagine what it would feel like to be basically bed-bound in a hospital, while you're baby is having heart surgery next door and not be able to be there for it. I would have lost my mind. So while Lissa was nothing short of heartbroken that she wasn't able to go, she was equally amazing and strong the entire time. My dad and Laura flew in from CO at about 10:00am, so we all spent the time visiting, filling Liss with the sugar and carbs that she missed for the last 9 months with her gestational diabetes and playing computer games. Even amidst all the chatter and small talk, you knew where everybodys mind really was and all the quick looks at the clock silently told each other that our hearts were somewhere else too.

At 11:00 Brady got a call from Ella's hospital where they asked him to come next door because the surgeon wanted to talk to him. Brady kept asking "well is she ok?" and whoever had called said they really didnt know anything, they were just instructed to call because the surgery was over and they needed to fill him in. He and Dana took off for CHLA and let me tell you, those were the longest 15 minutes of all our lives. Liss was about to pass out from the stress of not knowing what was going on and all our attempts at distractions completely failed. Finally she got the call from Brady saying Ella was just fine and that the actual surgery had only taken 27 minutes, instead of the usual 45-an hr. They'd found no surprises and she had done beautifully. Ella was being taken into recovery and we could visit her in a few hrs around one. Thank you, God.

By the time we actually ended up being able to go see her, it was about 3:30pm and Dad & Laura went first because they hadn't had a chance to meet her yet. They came out smiling, crying and saying how absolutely perfect she looked. I was next to go visit and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to see. She just looked so very peaceful (they use a medication to temporarily paralyze her body for a few days so that it can have a chance to heal without her moving around or touching anything) and she was still the tiny, beautiful doll that she was before. But though I'd thought I had mentally prepared myself for all the tubes, so many tubes, I just wasn't ready for it. They have Ella's chest incision kept open for the next few days, just in case anything happens and they need to get in there, but they have a sort of cloth covering it. Underneath it though, you could actually see her little heart beating. I didn't look, but Maddy and Dana went in later and both briefly saw. Our precious angel looked just as perfect as she had when we'd left her at 8am. The truth is though, she was even more perfect now. These surgeons and this procedure have given our Ella the ability to live and I just wish I could thank them personally. She is doing soo well, you guys, everyone just continues to be amazed by her. So far she has defied the odds in every area possible and I just know she'll continue to amaze us. I keep thinking I just can't wait until the day I can hold my niece in my arms (they let me half hold her in her warming bed that morning, so I could put her back to sleep) and tell her what a miracle she is. She'll have play dates with her cousin (who Liss and I have decided is really going to be her sister) and she'll have the greatest family in the world.

I never dreamed I could love someone as much as I love my Rilynne, but with God as my witness, Ella May has stolen my heart completely and I couldn't love her more if she was my own. She will have the greatest & strongest parents, and she will have more love in her life than she could ever ask for. I can't wait to hopefully get back to her in LA in a few days, but until then, half of me will remain there with her.

This song has been playing over and over again in my head lately, so I had to share..kind of sums it up for me.

Litte Wonders

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours